Life can get pretty strange sometimes. I’m not sure why, but the last few days I’ve lost all emotion. Like I’ve lost the ability to feel anything at all. I have to manipulate reality somewhat if I want to feel like myself, which is ironic, because then I’m not really myself, am I? I’m not exactly depressed, because I feel nothing, but in a way I am because I feel nothing? I guess you could say I’m at the point where fighting my demons is senseless, although I haven’t had a drink. I never really liked drinking anyway though and there’s much more satisfying ways to escape my mind, Mr. Brownstone.
Chris Cornell died in Detroit last week – shitty week. Dude was like my hero. I can’t count the times I’ve turned up Soundgarden and Audioslave and wrote for most of the night. And while my writing style is really nothing like Chris’s at all, the inspiration flowed better than ever and I always ended up with something legit to share. Chris was fighting demons. Chris was a demon slayer. In the end they got him, but his 52 year fight was quite impressive.
I’m not much younger than Chris was and I’ll admit I’ve thought long and hard about suicide. For me it’s always a gun – I’ve blown my brains out – over and over again – in my mind without thinking there was anything wrong with it at all. Especially lately. Click, bang, darkness. Click, bang, darkness. “Black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain.” It’s easy to give up sometimes, actually much easier when you’re dealing with depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, anger, loneliness and self loathing. Ending it all means complete relief from everything, that’s very tempting. I’m going to continue the fight for the foreseeable future though, so don’t worry. Chris’s death seems to have helped. It was so senseless to me. I mean like he had it all. He had his ass kicked by life a few times and kept going, kept breathing and kept creating music.
Anyway, I’m going to keep writing, and I hope you all do too. My last disappearing act lasted 2 years and I really don’t have that many years left anymore. Heart disease and these million pesky little nodules in my lungs are probably becoming a concern, but so far I’m ok. I managed to cheat death twice this year so I’m guessing God isn’t through with me just yet. Pneumonia and then appendicitis just a few weeks later set me back a little, but hey, they didn’t kill me lol. And as much as I think about killing myself… well let’s just say I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I have to continue to fight to be a man my kids can be proud of. And I need to keep waiting for my #lyndsaylane.
And you know, I still fkn love you all too, so there’s that.